Sorry about the wonky spacing. Blogger hates me.
A Tale of Two Melvins
by
R. K. Futty
LIGHTS UP on three blocks center stage. ONE, TWO, and THREE sit on them in any order. They sit in silence, listening, waiting. Anticipation is in the air. ONE hits her block once. TWO hits twice. THREE hits three times. They all start banging away at different rhythms, somehow making a song, all are smiling.
TWO
HELEN!
ONE
I’ve never been to Paris.
THREE
Moooooo.
ONE
Texas, that is.
TWO
Helen!
ONE
France isn’t real.
THREE
Mooooo.
ONE
So why would I want to go there?
TWO
Helen...
ONE
But I’ve always dreamed of Texas!
THREE
I said, “Moooooo!”
ONE and TWO
Who let the cow in?!?!?!
THREE
Excuse me! I am NOT a cow just because I produce milk.
TWO
I feel like a cow for that exact reason.
ONE
You’re so fat.
THREE
You’re not real.
TWO
Oh snap!
THREE
Just like France.
TWO
I think I’ve got some aloe for that-
ONE and THREE
You’re not funny!
TWO
...burn
Silence. TWO makes siren noise.
ONE
IT’S THE PO-LICE!
THREE
Eff the po-lice!
TWO
Everybody run!
All three get up and run around stage ending up on different blocks.
ONE
My bologna has a first name-
THREE
It’s Melvin.
TWO
Oh that’s sad.
ONE
Terrible really.
THREE
He was delicious.
ONE
He was my friend!
TWO
You should hear the way you talk sometimes.
THREE
You should hear the way you talk sometimes.
ONE
He was my only friend...
THREE
Now you’re being ridiculous.
TWO
Why did you eat him?
THREE
Jealousy’s a cruel mistress.
ONE
I never knew.
THREE
I never wanted you to know.
TWO
Hold it, hold it, hold it! I have an announcement to make! I can’t bear it any longer. I must make myself known. For I, am the REAL Melvin!
ONE (joyfully)
Melvin!
THREE (angrily)
Melvin!
TWO (grandly)
Melvin!
ONE
Melvin?
THREE
Melvin...
TWO
HELEN!
ONE and THREE
She’s no here. She’s in Paris.
TWO
Paris?
THREE
He has an apple.
TWO
Pfft. Paris.
ONE
I’ve never been to Paris.
THREE
It wasn’t sour though.
TWO
Well that’s good.
THREE
That’s why she didn’t like it.
TWO
I never would have known!
THREE
She told me years ago.
TWO
You knew her?
THREE
Who?
TWO (uncertainly)
Paris?
ONE
Helen. My name is Helen.
TWO
Helen?
ONE
Melvin...
THREE
...me.
LIGHTS OUT.
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